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Friday, August 18, 2006
Never End
For the past 1hr or so, I've been tossing and turning, tossing and turning on my bed..
And I just cldnt sleep..
The more I think about it, the more awake I gets..
Just Some Simple Questions that I cldnt find answers....
What have I been doing for the past 1 year + of my life after I graduate with a diploma?
What have I learnt for the past 1 year + that I'm in the company?
What exactly am I doing in the company?
Why is it that I kept making the same mistakes over and over again?
Why is it that I felt so "cheated" time and time again? or rather, I shld say disappointed..
Why is it that I wld even dare to "throw my temper" at my boss and collegues?
Why do I always feel that I am getting into trouble more then doing rather then solving problems?
Why cant I do simple adminstrative stuffs like filing papers?
Why do I keep forgetting to do things?
Why is it that others can comment that "your heart is elsewhere and not at work" when I dunch even know where did that heart wander to?
Why am I still in this company when I've been like having the thoughts of leaving?
When can I ever find the courage to leave?
Was it because that I am afraid to start afresh in a new environment?
Was it because I am afraid that I cant find another job?
Was it because I am afraid the same thing will happen?
What is it that is stopping me from leaving?
What is it that is making me feeling so "lost"?
I seriously dunch know ya..
I dunch know what I've actually learnt from this company..
Okie.. Maybe this way I can think better..
When I first started:
1) I didnt know how to do a proper in-hse fashion show:
Things like, going about organising the manpower, the food, the sound system, fashion show listing, number tags...
2) I didnt know how to book air tickets online:
Usually travel via Tour Agency
3) I didnt know whats Star Alliances was about
4) I dont know whats the life of the rich was really like
5) I dont know how fine dining really goes about
6) I dont know about booking ads
Cant think of anymore..
But I know there are many things that I dislike about working now:
1) I am getting sick and tired of doing in-hse shows
2) I am getting sick and tired of getting in troubles
3) I am getting sick and tired of making mistakes
4) I am getting sick and tired of having to take blames because of others mistakes
5) I am getting sick and tired of having to entertain "last min" requests
6) I am getting sick and tired of having to "pleased" pple
7) I am getting sick and tired of the whole working system there, cause I still cant understand how it works..
8) I getting sick and tired of being question
9) I am getting sick and tired of "wrecking my brains" for ideas, when in the end, nothing is being used
10) I am getting sick and tired of "waiting" for "answers in order to continue working
11) I am getting sick and tired of pple telling me, thats "work", cause she is the boss..
12) I am getting sick and tired hanging around with "mature" pple whose thinking are like so different
13) I am getting sick and tired of feeling so "stupid" because I have so little output
14) I am getting sick and tired of being the only one that will leave at 7pm sharp
15) I am getting sick and tired of feeling lost, when I dunch know why I am lost
16) I am getting sick and tired of not knowing what am I doing
17) I am getting sick and tired of "lying" to cover for others
18) I am getting sick and tired with that piles of paper that are waiting to be filed
19) I am getting sick and tired of myself for feeling so "lost" and "irritated" when facing that piles of paper whenever I felt like filing.
20) I am getting sick and tired of finding reasons for myself
21) I am getting sick and tired of myself trying to blame others
22) I am getting sick and tired of wondering whether its mine or others faults..
I am getting damm sick and tired that I am going thru this over and over again..
What can I do?
What can I do to make myself work better?
What can I do to make my working attitude better?
or
What can I do to make myself leave?
What exactly is stopping me from leaving?
What is the kind of life that I really wants to lead?
What do I want exactly?
Arggggggggggggggh, its already 3am!!!
What the hell am I doing?
Why cant I stop thinking?
Is it because I am so free thats why I am thinking?
"This is the song that doesnt end, and it goes on and on my friend. Some pple, started to singing it not knowing what it was, and they continue singing it forever.. just because..."
Wahhhhahahahaha.. So like my case now..
I started when I'm not even sure what I am "in" for..
And it will continue and continue, unless I do sth about it..
But what?
See, never ends...
posted by Elephant on 2:07 AM
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